👨🎨 Beating Mr. Lonely.
The ultimate guide to thriving socially while traveling alone.
👨✈️ The Briefing Room:
Notes and open topics from the editor’s desk.
Welcome Departures! “The place to be for where to go and what to see.”
Some of the most important aspects of the human experience are built on top of the connections we establish with others. I’ve been extremely privileged to have had the opportunity to travel full-time for all these years while growing and maintaining a truly diverse social circle that spans 24 timezones. Yet I meet so many people online and in real life that constantly struggle finding meaningful connections. Not just while traveling, but also while living traditional, nonmigratory lifestyles. After filtering through a lot of the correspondence I get, these are some of the most frequently asked questions:
How do you deal with loneliness?
How do you make friends?
How do you find partners?
My journey to nomadic social enlightenment has not been without its pitfalls. Much so in the beginning, as I struggled to figure it all out. Even though I still can’t pretend to have a one size fits all formula, today I’m going to break down the best workflow I’ve found to deal with these 3 challenges and share the strategies I use to stay socially active regardless the country I’m in. I hope that whether you are struggling with loneliness or just want to mix things up a little bit, you can take some of what I’ve learned over the years and apply it to improve daily life in your neck of the woods.
Now without further ado, let’s take it away!
Alvin
📍My starting point.
Each of our individual social experiences will vary drastically depending on our personalities, priorities, expectations and circumstances. So I want to begin by laying down a bit of context about me:
I am socially extroverted. Being in large crowds, walking up to a group of strangers and introducing myself, speaking in front of people etc, are all activities that give me energy and fill me with joy. Though this gives me a slight advantage in certain situations, it is by no means a panacea.
I am professionally introverted. I enjoy extended periods of deep thought and creativity. I also spend a lot of time walking, making photographs, composing music and writing my mental ramblings on my own.
I value my space. I do my best work in solitude. I have tried multiple communal live-work cohorts and even with private accommodations, I find the environment too invasive as a viable longterm living solution.
I value my time. In order to make the best use of my most limited resource, I prefer to plan things out. I plan what I will do, when, for how long and with who. This allows the best version of me to show up for myself and for others.
I prioritize depth over breadth. Given I only have so much time and energy to spend on myself and on others, I choose to put emphasis on the few individuals I can build deeper relationships with, then put in the work it takes to maintain those relationships over time and distance.
💻 My algorithm.
In my journey to achieve social harmony, I’ve made a point of ensuring my circles all revolve around some combination of common career, pursuits and values. I always gravitate towards people who I share at least 2 out of the 3 categories. The overlap within each category will vary from person to person. For example, someone who is in my social circle as a friend or acquaintance might lean heavy towards pursuit and/or career. While someone entering my social circle as a partner or potential partner might over index on values.
Filtering people through these three “lenses” allows me to kick off interactions from a baseline of compatibility. Although this alone will not guarantee who ends up in my circle, by using this “vetting” process, I am surrounding myself by default with like minded individuals and setting myself and those around me up for a better experience. Think of it as the analog algorithm of a real life “For You Page”.
Connecting with others around emotional or intellectual interests ensures I start off in a community that shares common motivations and personal goals. Having that immediate bond, makes it easy to strike conversations and build rapport. It is through these shared experiences among strangers, that I am able to begin building long lasting relationships with others and constantly attract a social circle where ever I happen to be. Now that we’ve established the selection process, let’s look at how and where I go find all these like minded individuals.
🧰 My workflow.
As a full-time traveler, I realized early on that one of the biggest obstacles that hindered my ability to grow socially was time (or lack there of). This might not apply to those with permanent dwellings in their country of origin, but I think most nomads can relate. Our abundance of flexibility tends to make us fickle. We become addicted to the dopamine and overstimulation that comes from discovering a new destination. Moving from place to place, spending as little time as necessary to check the box off our proverbial bucket list. In order to give myself the best opportunity to find and cultivate deep, meaningful connections, I have adopted a few high level guidelines to help me make the most out of the time I spend at each destination:
I travel slow. A minimum of 30-90 days in one main hub. Usually a major city where I can easily access the amenities and services I need. I will get a flat for the duration of my stay and will do short weekend travels around the region from there. Spending quality time in the same place is one of the most important elements needed for everything else to work.
I do my research. While planning, I will do my best to find accommodation within close proximity of a laptop friendly coffee shop and / or restaurant I can frequent. If there’s a co-working space in the vicinity even better. I will then start looking for interest based events in the area via the apps listed below. When possible, I will also try to engage virtually with these online communities before I arrive.
I adopt a routine. In health, in business and with others, strong habits come from consistent repetition. Once I land, I make it a point to peg 2-3 places I visit frequently. These will usually be the coffee shop, the restaurant and the co-working space. Having places where people know you by name or remember your drink is a great way to bring some permanence into my day to day.
I put in the work. It doesn’t matter where you are. Growing and maintaining relationships is hard work. When you are constantly moving, even more so. In order to maintain the bonds I build, I keep a list of people I want to keep in touch with. I follow up with them while I’m there and continue to do so after I’m gone.
Regardless of your personality type and lifestyle, these are all things most people can adopt to different degrees in order to improve their social odds. Specifically for long term travelers and nomads, when applied properly I find that they make a significant positive impact in the quality of life.
🧰 My Toolkit
There are a plenty of apps and websites out there dedicated to help humans connect with each other. Over the years I have tried many. Based on the things I value, I have settled on a handful of them that consistently yield the best results wherever I go. Even though the audience on each platform can vary, the one thing they all have in common is that they organize community around interests.
Meetup
In a nutshell, Meetup is all about connecting people in real life or online to do fun things together. When you visit the platform, it feels like a market place of activities. The platform is very easy to navigate and filter to get the type of activities you are interested in. You can join groups, go to events, and meet new people in your area or online as there are also many virtual events. The range of these is quite vast and will vary by location. If you don’t have a hobby or want to explore a new one, there are a lot of beginner friendly activities like cooking classes and language exchanges. The more popular weekend events usually revolve around coffee, happy hour or dancing. There is also plenty of zero or low cost activities like hiking, running, reading, writing and photography. Using the platform is free though some events charge a fee to participate. If you have never ventured into interest based activities, Meetup is the place I would recommend you start.
Website: meetup.com
iOS: Meetup App
Android: Meetup App
InterNations
InterNations is a global community that connects expats and international travelers, making it easy to meet people, get advice, and find things to do in a new country. Since it started in 2007, it's become one of the biggest networks for people living abroad, with members in over 420 cities around the world. On the platform, you can join forums, attend local events, and get tips on everything from finding a place to live to understanding the local healthcare system. Like with Meetup, you can also join groups based on your hobbies or interests and get together with others in your area.
One thing to note though, is the crowd at InterNations events can be at times a bit of an acquired taste depending on the city you’re in and the event you go to. The larger weekend events feel like what would happen if LinkedIn hosted happy hours. A lot of mid 20s to mid 40s professionals, dressed to impress and looking to mingle. The smaller events you find on the platform are more informal. Overall I find it is very expat leaning and a great place to get insight of the city from people who’ve been around a little longer. Though the platform is mostly free to use, it does offer a paid “Albatross” tier that gives you access to certain “Albatross” only events, member search, advanced messaging and discounts. As an “Albatross” member you can also apply to become a host.
Website: internations.org
iOS: InterNations App
Android: InterNations App
Facebook Groups
Thanks in part to its parent app’s infamy for being one of the worst places to use up your screen time, Facebook Groups are a bit of the bastard child of online spaces. But make no mistake, Groups are one of the best places where people with similar interests or hobbies can connect and chat. Because of Facebook’s vast worldwide reach, there are plenty of groups around niche communities in pretty much every country as well as many common hobby and activity specific groups like running, hiking and dancing. Even if you don’t have a Facebook account, I would recommend anyone looking to expand their social circle while traveling to use a burner email and open one up for the sole purpose of having access to this feature. It is that good. For the privacy minded, you can use the website in your favorite browser’s incognito window and get almost the same functionality as the app.
Website: facebook.com
Workaway
If you are someone who’s a bit more introverted, does not have any hobbies or are looking for a higher sense of purpose, volunteering is one of the best way to expand your social circle while making a difference in the community you are in. Workaway is a global platform that connects travelers with hosts around the world, facilitating a unique exchange where "Workawayers" trade their skills and enthusiasm for accommodation and authentic cultural experiences. Offering a wide range of opportunities from farming and teaching to assisting in hostels or contributing to artistic projects. Workaway operates in over 170 countries, covering locations from bustling cities to remote villages. To become a volunteer, you'll need to sign up (the fee is about $20 per year), create a profile, find a suitable project, and get accepted by a host. Your Workaway profile is a mix between a social media page and a resume.
Website: workaway.info
Tinder
If you’ve followed along this far, you will probably have noticed one pretty glaring omission from this entire workflow has been the use of dating apps. Though these may work for casual encounters or other unique circumstances, the general consensus is that for most, the juice is not worth the squeeze. Countless studies have been published now about all the mental health issues linked to swipe culture. Everything from stress, anxiety and insecurity, to low sense of self worth and depression can be triggered by the toxic nature of these applications.
Diving into the dating app rabbit hole is a tangent outside the scope of this post but one of these studies conducted by Pew Research concluded what’s been obvious to so many of us for so long. The dating scene as it currently stands is broken and apps have played a pivotal role in its downfall. By reducing the selection process to a binary thumb gesture on a screen, based on a photo and a few lines of text, dating apps commodify romance while profiting from our failure to find it.
[UPDATE September 8th, 2024] If you are interested in learning more about the science and economics behind dating apps, I highly recommend you checkout this excellent article by
:
As someone who prioritizes growing and maintaining deeper connections over time and distance, the superficial nature of the dating app ecosystem is completely incompatible with my goals and values. For those who’ve found success dating online, more power to you. Nothing wrong with that. But if you have struggled with dating online or feel that the dynamics are not a good fit for you, know that it is completely possible to carry a healthy social life without ever meddling with online dating. Every single one of my dates and partners, including my current partner of 5 years has come from meeting and bonding in real life around shared interests.
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Hmmm 🤔 I’m not familiar with Mundolingo but I’ll look into it. Thank you for the additional resource, Alvin!
Thank you for this insight! I enjoy travelling solo and have a bit different needs when doing so, because I'm the opposite of you - I'm socially introverted, but professionally extroverted :) I will look into your links, thanks a lot for sharing!